Juliet and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very-Bad Day.

Juliet has been one of my best friends since we were 15 or 16. She loves to dance and has the heartiest laugh on the planet which makes me envy her because a) she laughs a lot and b) it means that she must have lungs of steel, which makes my left lung especially jealous because it is still coming back to life from pneumonia. Juliet’s mom, Val, is an english beauty queen who sends Juliet homemade birthday cookies every year with elaborate sugar decorations on them. When Juliet was at camp for her birthday, Val sent cookies to everyone in her cabin or leadership development group, so I made sure I stayed friends with her on August 2nd for the next three summers, at least.

Juliet can speak turkish, is allergic to bees, and loves to have international romances. And has an uncanny way of effortlessly mixing pictures of lingerie parties and wholesome family holiday fun on her Facebook page. I don’t hate her cause I ain’t her, but she better hang out with me sometime soon.

Jules, let’s go for tapas!

Anyway. She is a teacher at a school in the Bronx, and when she’s not doing that I’m pretty sure she is dancing, baking cookies or having a positive mental attitude. Or going to Dubai, but we can delve into Juliet’s “Life List” in a different post. Point is, one day that school got broken into, so I comforted her the way every good friend should: through g-chat. I told her the following story spontaneously through g-chat, (2009: the year I get my act together) and she converted the whole thing into a note on her facebook page. That’s an absurd amount of right-clicking, but Juliet does shit like this with a bird on her shoulder. This is why I love her. And if it wasn’t for her, I would have forgotten how absurdly I use my time:

Juliet and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very-Bad Day.
One day Juliet woke up in the east seventies in Manhattan. It was a crummy day but the weatherman on TV said it would get better, and Juliet woke up happy everyday, anyway, so today was going to be a good day! Just like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that! Juliet didn’t even care that it was a Tuesday!

That is how it started, anyway.

So just like every other day, Juliet packed a nutritious lunch, finished with a perfect serving size of cookies she had made from scratch, just for good days like this one. (Now the adult reading the book can deduce, just from what has been said, that Juliet must eat cookies everyday based on a simple if, then statement: If Juliet bakes cookies for good days, and everyday for Juliet is a good day, then Juliet must eat cookies everyday. This is the transitive property of baked goods, where tasty delights are a function of moods and emotions.)

Juliet brought her lunch to the school where she was a teacher. She loved her job, but today things were different. Today she found that someone had broken into the school and stolen lots of the school supplies in many of the classrooms. Juliet felt violated and angry, and sorry for her students and for the other teachers who worked so hard. This was not turning into a good day at all. This, Juliet thought, was turning into a very bad day. Her cookies didn’t taste so good today, she thought, so she decided to cancel them out by going to an overpriced gym. But when she got to the gym, she found that the overpriced gym had lost all her information, yet remained overpriced! Oh the humanity. 

Now she wasn’t smiling, she was frowning. And as we all know, frowns cause wrinkles and make people look old which makes them sad. Frowns also utilize many many more muscles than smiles, yet still don’t count as exercise! An ironic tragedy. It seemed that the only exercise Juliet was to get today was a hearty laugh, but even she couldn’t muster one up. Because she usually laughs heartily at least 2,000 times a day, Juliet thought she must be sick. So she went to the doctor.

After a long wait, Juliet saw the doctor, and he diagnosed her as having a case of the Tuesdays and slapped her with a large bill. She then realized he was out of network in her healthcare plan! So now she’d really have to pay! He prescribed a positive attitude and a nap, and from the sounds of that, Juliet guessed that those prescriptions would be third tier drugs and therefore not covered by her insurance plan.

“Drat!” she said. “This day really sucks!”

Juliet has sunk so low by now that she had resorted to the use of marginally accepted expletives in her daily vernacular. She decided to go home to her apartment, when she remembered that her rent was due and she was out of checks. So she stopped by the Bank of America and they charged her $5 to get new checks printed, but because the new checks couldn’t come in time, she had to pay in cash.

She opened her wallet and a moth flew out, leaving absolutely no cash in its wake. Her life, she thought, was becoming a cartoon.

So she went to the nearest ATM, nearly in tears, to withdraw the needed cash, but the ATM was incapable of giving that much cash to one person at one time. Juliet painfully remembered how exorbitantly expensive it was to live in a 10 x 9 cube in the highly inconvenient Upper East Side. Juliet trudged home. And to her hysterical surprise, a rain cloud the size of her person literally followed her home.

She felt like a care bear in hell. 

So she went to her live in super, Ned, who was also her landlord to explain her financial woes, but Ned, who you will recall was supposed to be “living in”, was on vacation in Florida. Which proved highly inconvenient, when Juliet got to her apartment and her hot water was not working.

“Live in landlords,” Juliet thought “are not supposed to go on vacation to Florida.”

Lots of things, she realized, were not supposed to happen. Schools should not be broken into. Gyms that exist to make you healthy, should not be so expensive you can’t go. And they don’t really exist to make you healthy, it dawned on her, they exist to make money, and that just shouldn’t be. They shouldn’t lose your information, and banks shouldn’t charge you for checks which really only exist to help you give more money away. Humans shouldn’t be able to forget their rent is due, and they shouldn’t have to pay such back breaking rents! ATMs shouldn’t be able to dictate how much of your own money they’ll allow you to have! They should be able to distinguish you from an identity theft and pay based on instinct. ATMs, Juliet thought, should be smarter. And most importantly, care bears shouldn’t live in hell, even if they are offered a good mortgage loan that may blow up in their face and cause a mortgage borrowing crisis that crushes the care bear economy.

Yes, Juliet thought, there are lots of things in this life that happen that shouldn’t, and lots of things that don’t happen that should. But sometimes, she realized, life just isn’t fair. So she went home and ate the whole batch of cookies she made, and reveled in the fact that she could make them, and they still tasted good, but had a greater appreciation for the fact that she should have thrown up, but didn’t, because sometimes things don’t work out like they should. Then Juliet went to bed. When she woke up the next day, she packed her lunch like she always did, sans cookies because she ate them all. It will still be a good day despite this she said. Then she went to school. And when she got there, the whole school was made of ice cream cake!
The end. Fin.


One Response to “Juliet and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very-Bad Day.”

  1. Former Rooms. Says:

    Oh rooms. ❤

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